Anxiety

Well we found out on Monday that we HAVEN'T got to reapply for our jobs, SO relieved! However despite that I had a mahusive anxiety attack on Monday night, and no idea weather it was withdrawal or reaction to an extremely busy week this week, anyway I just could not turn my brain off at all on Monday night so I spent tuesday feeling like absolute rubbish and the worst of it was that I was having to work in a school, but I THINK I managed to not show how exhausted I was and grit my teeth and get through the day, with the help of lots of coffee. This week is really really full on with Scouts bi annual village auction prep all week on top of work, I am so looking forward to getting back to a normal week next week. I think I had I found out I had got to fill in an app for my job this week and do an interview next week it would have tipped me right over the edge.

Restructuring

Well after a crappy day yesterday, found out that four colleagues are all going, voluntarily, in one fell swoop (that's about one third of our total staff) and that myself and four others may have to go through an interview process with one of us being made redundant, I was a bit gutted. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that but I should find out Monday next week. Anyway, I think these events triggered a withdrawal and this morning I just totally cracked and couldn't stop crying for a good hour or so, now I feel totally drained, I haven't felt this low for so long it came as a shock. Anyway the cartoon is very apt because we are undergoing a "restructuring"

Raging apprehension

eurgh! couldn't sleep last night, we have a staff meeting today where we will find out who is staying and who is going, some of my colleagues put themselves forwards for voluntary early retirement/redundancy, they found out themselves on Friday privately if they would be allowed to go or not, but were sworn to secrecy, the rest of us found out what's what today, last night I couldn't sleep for feeling apprehensive, about the possibility of losing half my colleagues in one fell swoop and what it means for the rest of us. The feelings of anxiety and apprehension also echoed the feelings I had in the past when suffering withdrawals so of course I can't help wondering if it's work that's worrying more or if it's prozac withdrawal.

The night before I had that recurring dream again for the first time in quite a while, I was trying to pack a suitcase that was too small and the amout of stuff I'd got to pack in the house/hotel was overwhelming. Mad!

1.60mls..

that's it, gone down to 1.60mls today.

Jury Service - oh the irony!!

P has been called up to do Jury Service, right now we need this like a hole in the head!!! The irony is that last year I got called up for Jury Service, I really wanted to do it, but I was rejected because of being on prozac, I wrote about it last year on my blog.

Now, I have given in one of my part time jobs to work with P who is a self employed, and now HE has been called up for Jury service, when you're running a small firm you cannot afford to take time out!!! Grrrr

Prozac reduction timeline

Supermodel midlife affair with antidepressants article on Femail website

Found this on Femail website today, lucky her I thought, it's only took 3 weeks to get off Lexapro, that's not a battle, it's taking me probably 5 years all in to get off of prozac. Wonder though if she will have withdrawals because she came off so fast? maybe not now, maybe months down the line like I did in 2003.

Super model mid life affair with antidepressants

1.70ml New reduction

I realise I've left it a long time since I last made a reduction but really that's no bad thing, I am feeling very well at the moment.
I finished one of my two part time jobs last week and although I felt really sad on my last day, and they gave me a lovley send off, I also felt quite a bit of relief, because I realised it was actually getting me down more than I thought, being in two work places where there was restructuring and threat of redundancy/closure, now I'm only in one work place that has that (and that's bad enough LOL).
Next week I will be starting work with P part time as well and I am really looking forward to the new challenge!

Prozac reduction timeline

Today is my eldest's 17th birthday

My older son is 17 today, can't believe he is 17!! I remember all those highs and lows in hospital when I had him, the cloud 9 euphoria and then the over whelming fear of the massive massive responsibility I now had, and also feeling quite trapped by it. I did have post natal depression in the months following as well but I didn't recognise it for what it was and as we were going through incredibly tough times financially I blamed it on that, although it probably was that as well as post natal depression and a seismic shift in our life with having a new baby. Despite all these early difficulties I think he's turned out well!

Today I felt absolutely and totally drained this morning at work, so drained I almost felt ill, I think it was partly low blood sugar, it was a long time til lunch as I started early and partly that woolly headed prozac withdrawal feeling, the computer screen and everything just felt too bright as well, for two pins I could have literally fallen asleep on my desk. After lunch I seemed to rally and feel "normal" again.

So tired..

I couldn't get to sleep easily last night and I woke up at stupid o clock with a splitting headache, sinus pain and feeling really fed up, I went and took a couple of neurofen and waited for it to kick in, drifted off a bit but not enough and now got to go to work feeling knackered and "down", think this could be a withdrawal.

My job(s)

Lots of changes are afoot this year, with all the restructuring going on in the local authority I work for (it's called the "New Strategic Direction" which means getting rid of lots of staff). I have two part time jobs and it looks like I will be made redundant from both this year, one job I know is definately going between now and end of August but I have been there less than two years so I don't qualify for redundancy, the other job is a job I do really love and a service I have worked for for 20+ years, we have been called to a meeting late Monday afternoon, it's all been very secretive and handled strangely so we suspect they are going to drop a bombshell on us, this job I will feel very sad about, I love some of the people I work with and I love the service we offer to schools, but if schools can't afford to buy into us and so many are falling away, then so be it.
Fairly soon I will be making the leap (from the job with no redundancy pay out) to go and work with P, his business is our business and I am a shareholder and director, he desperately needs help and this is an opportunity for us both to make it a success, I am looking forward to being a part of it again. Meanwhile I will hang onto the other job I love and if and when I get made redundant from that I think I'll be on the look out for another part time job to replace it and dove tail in with http://www.essentialifa.com/

1.80mls - new reduction

Decided to go to1.80mls today, I've held off for a long while being aware that I hate January and February but now we're into March why not?

I was really touched again

When some people very close to me and one in particular (I won't say who to protect identities) called me to say they had discovered and read my blog and were really moved by it. Most of the time I don't really know who reads this apart from one or two close friends I know about but it was so nice to know that someone read this empathised.

Exercise....or lack of it

It's half term week this week and I have a week off work, and looking back over this blog I noticed my exercise regime when I started out, then half way through this blog I started working full time, but I still tried my hardest to keep up and either do cross trainer or cycle ride, at least twice a week, then since before Christmas I just kind of fell off, I'd get home from work, and it's just become easier to sort tea out, and whatever else needs doing and well, exercise has just fallen off the end. Today I decided to get back on the cross trainer, thought I was going to find it hell after weeks of sluggishness but actually I went steady and it was fine, think I might try a bike ride tomorrow. It certainly does make you feel good after, all those endorphins and the satisfaction of knowing you've done something good for your wellbeing. Can't guarantee I'll keep it all up next week though.

Update on bad withdrawal

Well I am back to my "normal" (whatever normal is!!) self again and the relief is enormous....again, until the next bad withdrawal when I terrify myself yet again that I'm disappearing into that black hole... again.

A bad withdrawal

So I have had another night of insomnia and in the morning I felt really shite, I felt like I had dropped into that black hole again, all those old feelings of dread, anxiety, bleakness about nothing in particular. As the day wore on the blackness lifted and I started to feel better again although exhausted from lack of sleep but my mood gradually shifted. Peter keeps reassuring me that it is a withdrawal, he's seen me go through it before and I will come out the other side, and I have to tell myself that it is a withdrawal if I start to think otherwise I could go into a dangerous downward spiral. As it is I'm begining to think I have forgotten how to sleep :(
It is a reminder of how soul destroying depression can be.

Insomnia

Insomnia






I lay awake all last night, just could not switch my brain "off", getting more and more wound up as the night dragged on, worrying. When you're lying in the dark, unable to switch off, everything seems so much worse than in the cold light of day. For me insomnia is a very frightening experience because back in 2003 when I was "breaking down" a feature of that illness was not being able to sleep for literally nights on end, and feeling really so terrified and alone as I felt myself cracking up and mentally falling apart at the seams, adrenaline rushing round my body 24/7 keeping me awake against my will, caused by the prozac/lustral withdrawal, a very dark and frightening place to be. I feel scarred by 2003, one bad night now and I'm back in 2003 and thinking I'm falling apart once again. In the cold light of day I know this isn't true. This too will pass, I love that quote.

Prozac withdrawal how long

I hate January

I feel really flat now, I always feel flat after Christmas, even though it's my birthday tomorrow and I should be looking forward to that. I hate January, after all the excitement and build up to the Christmas holiday everything seems so dreary. Roll on summer!!

1.90ml Now breaking the 2.0ml barrier!!

Yes today I am going to 1.90ml, waited quite a long time for this new reduction because the last one was quite a biggish one and you should never drop more than 10% of your current dose.
I have been feeling very well on the whole but there are subtle shifts of feelings in that I am aware that in certain situations I feel more anxious which is probably the "real me" without the prozac crutch and it's probably no worse than many people deal with anyway on a day to day basis.

Who is reading my blog?

Can't help but wonder, I have my little gadget (to the right) which shows the location of people who visit but I would love it if someone made themselves known, maybe left a comment even if to tell me my blog is dull as ditch water LOL

I've been feeling so so tired today, and woke up with a splitting headache, felt like a prozacy type head today.

Dizzy

Yes this picture is how I feel today, low blood pressure? or something to do with the prozac going down? felt like it before so I expect I will just wait for it to pass.

2.00ml (8mg)

Nearly breaking through the 2.0ml barrier

This week end I am going to drop from 2.20ml to 2.0ml, I should probably go to 2.10 ml first but actually it's such a fiddle to measure out the 0.10ml on that skinny little syringe I decided it would be easier to take a chance and go straight to 2.0ml. I've read that you shouldn't reduce by more than 10% of your current level and this is still within 10%.  Will be interesting to see if I have a withdrawal reaction in a couple of weeks or so.

2.20ml and redundancy

Down to 2.20ml today, I did wonder wether to take it down to 2.10ml but there is quite a lot going on in my life at the moment, both my jobs are under threat of redundancy now in about a years time with all the cuts this government are making so me and Peter are having to plan for this eventuallity, after all my money, child benefit and tax credits pay the mortgage and all the direct debits/ utility bills :(     ....and jobs are very hard to come by at the moment.

Whistleblowing

This is an interesting link.

New reduction today - 2.30ml

Hopefully I will break the 2.0ml barrier by Christmas.

Losing a job

I have two part time jobs and we had a staff meeting at one of my jobs this week, and it seems definate that we are closing down with all the cuts going round, and this job will be going, at least I have plenty of notice to start looking around but it is very sad for all of us. I haven't been there long enough to qualify for any decent redundancy so I may as well start looking.

Weight loss

I'm not complaining but I'm wondering if my metabolism has speeded up a little as the prozac has gone down, I'm always fairly careful about my eating anyway as I have a big appetite and can eat like a horse so I do have to "reign" it in and exercise or I can find myself piling it on, however what with working pretty much full time and family commitments I do find it hard to fit in the exercise, but my weight seems to have dropped somewhat without me trying. Wonder if prozac does cause weight gain and coming off it speeds up metabolism?

Feeling blah and interview

OK so it's just hit me this morning that I am in fact feeling very "blah" this week. I had a job interview on Monday, it was only a little 7 hour a week job in a school with the promise of other hours in the school office, when I got to the interview it was so not what I expected, the job described at the interview differed greatly from the job description and what I had applied for, in fact it wasn't a little 7 hour a week job, it was a huge challenge he wanted someone to fulfill on a totally inadequate pay scale and hours and he was desperately trying to convince me what a great idea it was and how I could achieve it, and I felt I'd been led up the garden path somewhat, so needless to say I totally lost interest and wasn't offered it. I was a bit gutted because in my head I'd run away with the idea of this nice little term time only job and having more time at home in the school holidays and maybe during the week as well, that'll learn me!!
I since learned the didn't manage to appoint anyone and no one who went was prepared to take on what he was proposing, suspect it was the misleading job description and the fact he's not paying enough for what he wants to achieve.
Since then I've been feeling quite rough in my head, just really flat, confidence knocked,  is this a withdrawal? is it a normal emotion? is it withdrawal triggered by an event? who knows, all I know it that "this too will pass". The sooner the better.

2.40ml

Down to 2.40ml today and over half way now. I've decided from now on to make only 0.10ml drops and no more 0.20 ml because now I'm lower each drop is steeper and I'm getting more withdrawal effects like the cotton wool fuzzy head and wiered dreams!
Slow and steady wins the race.

My morning regimen...

.. one Boots own brand multi vitamin, four multi vegepa Omega capsules and 2.50ml prozac!

So true...

Funnies

Prozac reduction timeline

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

This song is so incredibly beautiful and I always thought "comfortably numb" was a really good description for the effect prozac has. It certainly does make you comfortably numb.

Dream again

I had that recurring dream again last night, packing away I was, no one else was worried about having to get the packing done, and I was getting really annoyed because it was the end of the holiday and no one else was worried about missing the flight or whatever. Still puzzling over this, same dream, I'm sure there is a higher power trying to tell me something.

So dizzy today!

Today I was just feeling so dizzy, like I might fall over, it wore off as the day went on, but I almost thought I was going to have to come home from work, I just felt so fuzzy :(

officially half way - 2.50mls (10mg)

Yup, I am officially half way, it's only taken me a little over 2 years LOL.

Vivid dreams and emotions

I've been having such vivid and bizarre dreams and the other morning I woke up in tears but couldn't remember why!
I've also been feeling much more emotion coming back now and in a really good way because I think I have been emotionally a bit numb for so long. I'm finding myself easily moved by different things now and it's soooo good to have that feeling back!!

I feel SO much better now!

Phew! How nice to feel "normal" again instead of profoundly depressed and sad, at least I know yet again it is a withdrawal and I can "ride it out".

That dream again

Yup I've had it again, in fact I think I've had it a few times lately, this time we were back at old two up two down first home, and it was a right mess.

Some reassurance was needed

 My question

I'll try not to ramble, I have been very sucessfully withdrawing from prozac (after 10 years of failed attempts). It's taken me two years to reduce from 5ml to where I am now at 2.60mls (that's how slow I've been taking it! All has gone well up to now, the past week I've been getting feelings of profound sadness a little anxiety, the waves come and go and feel like my old depression/failed withdrawal attempts in the past.


 Is this a withdrawal that will pass in time? or is this the real me? feeling a bit confused but rationally I think this is a withdrawal reaction but it's something I've not felt for a long time. Anyone relate?



The answer

**, this is normal in withdrawal/recovery . Your chemistry will be changing regularly and will do so even for years after you have totally discontinued the drug.



The difference now is it comes and goes, right?



I've never seen anyone go into a depressed state after stopping a drug unless it is stopped too quickly. This is a reaction of the biochemistry.



People have been sold a lie when they are told depression is genetic. It's not. Someone might say their mother was depressed and so is their sister. This is genetic only in as much as behavior is learned (children learn to mimic parents' reactions without knowing it so if mom is depressed children learn to be depressed). The other cause is poor diet. This makes all the difference in the world.



It is perfectly normal for people to experience a couple of periods of depression in a lifetime. An argument can be made for the use of this but that's a huge topic. Any doctor who has not been brainwashed by the drug companies who want you to believe the genetic lie so they can sell you drugs for life will tell you that depression is self-limiting. What prevents it from resolving in most people is nutritional and/or the unwillingness to meet life on life's terms (people who do this are usually people who believe that life is sometimes "unfair").



As I said, you'll feel many things at various times on this journey. Just ride it out. If it stays more than a couple weeks at most, check your diet and supplements. If this isn't it, increase the drug by one dose. This is sometimes necessary as you get into the lower doses. Don't stay long at the increased dose. A week or 10 days will be enough to get you unstuck. Then reduce again and you should be okay.



--C
 
and sure enough I do feel a lot better today, phew!

Blah...

OK well for the past week I have been feeling really quite "blah", like a low level depression, no not really depression, well maybe but very mild and just kind of flat. Hope this passes soon, can't help wondering if it's here to stay but that's negative thinking we all know what happens when you get into negative thinking spirals.

Wow I had that dream again!

Had a lovley day, beautiful weather, reconnected with a school friend, we met for lunch at an Italian restaurant and had a lovley time.
Then last night I had that dream again, it was the end of a two week holiday, and we'd had a great time, but there was a mind boggling amount of packing to do like moving house, not just a couple of suitcases, and a real feeling of sadness, what the heck does it mean?

2.60ml

2.60ml today, small drop this time or I think my head will go into cotton wool mode again.

Out of sorts

I have been feeling so out of sorts the past couple of days, I nearly came home from work early (sick) today, woke up with a splitting headache, my head is very fuzzy and cotton wool like and feel like I can't get a handle on things, I just know it's my head adjusting to a drop in prozac and I've got to ride it out, but I just feel so tired and drained :(

Cotton wool head and a bad dream

I've had a bit of a fuzzy cotton wool head this week, a bit like when I used to withdraw the old fashioned way. I can only assume it's because I'm getting lower down on the dose now so each drop is a bigger drop if that makes sense.
Had a bad dream last night, I was crying and crying and grieving, but not sure who or what for and I woke up in tears but then I was rapidly relieved that it was only a dream.

2.70mls

Nearly half way.

Following on from Jury Service

A friend at work found this article of the Guardian web site 10th January 2010

Call to lift ban on jury service for people with mental illnessBarristers join forces with mental health charity to urge rethink




Denis Campbell, health correspondent The Observer, Sunday 10 January 2010 Article historyMinisters are facing demands to scrap an "unfair and discriminatory" law that bans thousands from being jurors because they have suffered from mental ill-health.



Campaigners claim that many law-abiding citizens are wrongly excluded from jury service after being treated for conditions such as depression, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.



One in four Britons suffers mental illness at some point in their lives, and one in 10 is prescribed antidepressants, which would be enough to debar them.



Rethink, a mental health charity supported by barristers in England and Wales, will this week launch a campaign to have the rule rescinded. It agrees that some people's mental state makes them unfit to be jurors, but argues that many others are victims of an "archaic" ban.



More than 9,000 people a year in England are refused permission to serve on juries. The government promised in 2004 – and again in early 2008 – to review the situation, but has not done so.



The ban arises from the Juries Act 1974. A section on "mentally disordered persons" bars from jury service anyone "who suffers or has suffered from mental illness, psychopathic disorder, mental handicap or severe mental handicap, and on account of that condition either is resident in a hospital or other similar institution, or regularly attends for treatment by a medical practitioner". Rethink wants that replaced with a new definition of "capacity", based on the 2005 Mental Capacity Act, which would allow many of those currently banned to serve, while excluding those who are genuinely unfit.



Stephen Fry, the actor and comedian, who has suffered from bipolar disorder since childhood, is backing the campaign. "There are thousands of people with mental health problems who are willing and perfectly capable of serving on a jury, but who find themselves rejected solely because they see a doctor from time to time for support or medication," he said. "Exclusion purely on the grounds of treatment for a mental health problem is unfair and discriminatory."



Rethink cites Winston Churchill as someone who, owing to his depression, would be banned. Paul Corry, Rethink's director of public affairs, said that about 50,000 people with mental health problems had been excluded since the government's first pledge in 2004 to consult on the issue.



"People should be judged on their capacity, rather than being arbitrarily written off. It is high time the government carried out a consultation and considered outlawing this archaic and discriminatory practice, which prevents capable citizens from carrying out a basic civic duty."



The Criminal Bar Association, which represents barristers in England and Wales, also argues that the ban is wrong. "Trial by jury is a vital component of our criminal justice system and, in order to work at its best, juries should represent a cross-section of society," said Paul Mendelle, its chairman. "Figures suggest that one in four people will be affected by mental health problems, so it is inappropriate to impose a blanket ban that prevents anyone with a history of mental illness from sitting on a jury without assessment of their capacity."



But the Ministry of Justice ruled out any revision of the rule, and refused to say why the government had reneged on its pledges to consult. While ministers were committed to tackling the stigma and discrimination around mental ill-health, "any change would need to strengthen our jury system. There can be no question of changing the law to allow people to serve as jurors where their ability to do so is in doubt", said a spokesman.

2.90mls

Yup I have now broken the 3ml barrier and still going strong!

Jury Service

I had a letter several days ago asking me to do Jury Service, I was really excited, it's something I always wanted to do, so I filled in the form and sent it back, not really thinking much about it, the form asked some questions about health and the last question was about mental health, and weather you'd ever been sectioned under the mental health act, which I havn't, but I answered honestly about the past post natal depression and prozac use, almost by return of post I was rejected, and I know it was down to my answer about depression, it felt like a kick in the teeth and I was quite insulted, because I'm the most stable unstable person I know and I know one person far more unstable than me who has done jury service, still that's only my opinion and I suppose they have to have some guidelines/rules to follow.

Three followers!

I just noticed my blog has 3 followers, welcome to you whoever you are! LOL

Femail article on antidepressants

Long term effects of antidepressants

Femail web site was running an article on antidepressants today, it's good when the media report on things like this, sad though that so many people have such negative attitudes to mental illness though.

Happy Birthday....

....to me, 42 today :(

3.10mls and recurring dream

Have gone to 3.10mls today, a small one, then in a few weeks will go to 2.90mls. Love Christmas but hate new year and January bah humbug!
I've been getting that recurring dream loads lately, overwhelming packing and cleaning to do, I am sure someone up there is trying to tell me something or give me a message if only I could interpret it!
Anyway Happy Christmas to anyone who might be reading this and a happy 2010 and here's to lots more successful reductions, who knows this time next year I might be nearly off the prozac!

3.20ml

That's it, down to 3.20ml today!

Insomnia

I lay awake all last night, just could not switch my brain "off", getting more and more wound up as the night dragged on, worrying, I'd got a full day tomorrow, how was I going to cope on no sleep? should I throw a sickie, I've never ever thrown a false sickie and pride myself on how little sick leave I have had. When you're lying in the dark, unable to switch off, everything seems so much worse than in the cold light of day. For me insomnia is a very frightening experience because back in 2003 when I was "breaking down" a feature of that illness was not being able to sleep for literally nights on end, and feeling really so terrified and alone as I felt myself cracking up and mentally falling apart at the seams, adrenaline rushing round my body 24/7 keeping me awake against my will, caused by the prozac/lustral withdrawal, a very dark and frightening place to be. I feel scarred by 2003, one bad night now and I'm back in 2003 and thinking I'm falling apart once again. In the cold light of day I know this isn't true. This too will pass, I love that quote.

Prozac reduction timeline

Fuzzy head

I've had such a rotten cold and lately my head has been quite fuzzy and spaced out, don't know if it's the cold or the prozac reduction which is kind of what it feels like, like the old days when I used to withdraw to fast and get the fuzzy spaced out feeling.

Recurring dream

I had that recurring dream in a very strong way last night, it was the end of a two week holiday, which actually seemed a lot longer than two weeks, a coach was going to collect us to take us to the airport the next morning and our hotel room/house was an absolute tip and I just did not know where to start with all the packing and tidying to do. It was more like moving house really, quite bizarre.

Oh yes, 20th Wedding Anniversary yesterday!!

Blip

I have had a bit of a withdrawal reaction this week, came to my notice on thursday that I was feeling a bit "blah", and P who is very finely tuned to my behaviour noticed it because I tend to transfer my negativity onto him, ie blame him for everything, sort of like kicking the cat I suppose. These days it doesn't phase me or P and I know it's only a temporary blip.

I was deeply touched by a relative this week

This past week or so a relative has made contact with me and has been like a breath air talking openly with me about this blog and the contents, I have been deeply touched and wish I'd realised 10/11 years ago at the start that I could've talked to this person. Thank you!

3.30mls or expressed as a percentage I am 34% reduced

Tomorrow I will go from 3.50ml to 3.30ml, I calculated that I am now 34% down, so about one third of the way, and it's taken me about 16 months to get that far, so I suppose it could be another 2 years and 8 months before I'm free of the drug, so about June 2012!!!

Another recommended read (kind of)

Just read "Prozac Diary" by Lauren Slater, a good read about Lauren's life and 10 years dependent on prozac, in places the language is too flowery and what I call "arty farty" but where it isn't too flowery it's a good description of a life with prozac.

New job

This Monday, I am starting a new part time job, so I'll be working two part time jobs and doing 4.5 days a week now, which I'm looking forward to as I know the new job will be good and they are a nice team of people I'll be working with, and we need the money, I've been so lucky getting away with working part time while the boys were young, but the time has now come where I need to pull some weight to get some much needed money in the house,  but I'm going to be so busy with work and the boys and Peter is so busy getting his business fired up that I'm hardly going to have time to worry about how the withdrawal is going!!!!
All being well this coming week, I will go down to 3.30ml on saturday!

An excellent book on PND

I have just read "My Journey to her World" by Michael Lurie, it's only 130 pages but it's about his experience coping with his wife's post natal depression. There was so much in it I could relate to. "Going through difficult times can either make us stronger or break us. This book is my story of how I came face to face with the devestating illness of depression and in particular post natal depression..."
Anyway, recommended reading for anyone going through this.

My partner's depression

A chemical imbalance in the brain

That's how you end up hooked on ssri's, like lots of others I believed that line about a chemical imbalance in the brain, that's why you get depressed again and have to take the pills.

3.50mls (14mg) New reduction....

....now down to 3.50mls, I can't believe how well this is going, after so many years of trying and failing at this I sometimes wonder if I'm just dreaming that this is working and I'm going to wake up from the dream one day.

I am getting used to "feeling" more in the way of emotion about things, hard to describe to people who havn't been on prozac how much it can numb you.

Recurring dream again...

had it again last night, had loads of stuff to clear out from one place to another, it almost felt like the Scouts Auction.

Recurring dream

Yes I had that recurring dream, had it several times and it's always been about moving house or packing at the end of the holiday, and always the task of packing everything up seems overwhelming, and exhausting and sometimes sad, and so it was last night.

3.60mls

New reduction...

....now down to 3.60mls.

Comfortably numb

I'm feeling more emotion just lately, nothing major, but enough to appreciate how much prozac has numbed me over the years.

Kick the ginkgo

I've been taking ginkgo for months and months, I've now been advised by an expert not to take it, so I've ditched it!

110 Views?

Just noticed there have been 110 views of this blog (and it's not all me) but no comments? LOL

If you were diabetic you'd take insulin wouldn't you? so what's the difference?

I heard this line a lot, but I never totally bought into the idea that my body/brain needs Lustral or prozac, this line gets thrown about a lot when someone can't get off SSRI's without getting depressed again, it made me feel totally dependent and trapped by my dependency.

3.80mls OK so I'm still a crap blogger but....

...I have broken through the 4ml barrier, in fact I am down to 3.80ml and still going strong. Peter worked out that I seem to have a withdrawal about every 4th or 5th cut, as if there is a cumulative effect. So from 5ml to 3.80ml, I think that means it's gonna take another couple of years LOL

3.90mls

4.10ml Is it really four months?

I am now down to 4.10ml and at the end of April I will go to 3.90ml and will have broken the 4ml barrier!!! I did have a bad withdrawal for a week or so in March, I got really depressed and tearful, it was quite hard again to hang in there and think "this will pass", but with Peter's support I did, and it did, and I am now feeling really well again. Of course the better weather is great and I went on a 7 mile bike ride yesterday and 8 miles today and we got the garage and garden cleared and loads of crap to the dump. We're going through a bit of a scary time at the moment, Peter working mega hard to get the business up and off the ground, we could do with being a lot busier....

4.25ml (17mg)

Did I repeat myself?

OK looks like I've repeated myself and got my days in a muddle, I blame sleep deprivation LOL

Run aground this week

I seem to have run aground this week, Tues night I woke in the early hours with a searing headache, like brain freeze but worse, so I had to go down and get a couple of painkillers. Wednesday night I kept having lots of vivid dreams and negative emotions, and then last night I just could not get to sleep and when I did, vivid strange dreams again, I am exhausted and a little scared, when something like this happens it's easy to convince yourself you're losing your marbles and exhaustion doesn't help you to think in a rational way, I feel a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Rationally I know it will pass and all will be ok again and my brain is probably having to readjust to less prozac.

Now down to 4.40ml

This picture shows what the .40ml bit of the 4.40 looks like:

We're talking tiny drops of liquid here, amazing to think what a powerful drug it is. Had a rough couple of nights, two nights ago I woke with an absolutely splitting, searing headache in the early hours, had to go down and take some aspirin, I don't remember having a headache like it ever, then last night I had lots of vivid, strange dreams. Did I ever mention my recurring dream? I have this dream about moving house, sometimes it's moving house, sometimes it takes the form of having to pack up at the end of a holiday, and always, the amout of packing is overwhelming, and the feeling of leaving everything I know behind, I'm sure this dream is significant in someway but not really figured it out, I have this dream about once a month, anyone know about dream? is a spirit guide trying to send me a message?

19th wedding anniversary

Ooh can't believe I forgot to mention, it is in fact our 19th wedding anniversary today, and we are in a really good place with our marriage now, it hasn't always been so, we've been through a lot of ups and downs over the years, some of them too personal to post on here, most of them the financial stresses of bringing up a family and Peter working long hours and the effect on our relationship and family life.

4.50ml (18mg) 10% down

Wey hey!! I should have put this on here a few weeks ago but I've been so bad at this blogging lark, strange considering I come from a family of diary writers and have in fact kept paper diaries myself since about 1976 LOL
I am now 10% down and it's still going well, I've had the odd withdrawal but I have faith that it is "withdrawal" now and if I feel a bit low it only lasts 3 days at the most. Of course it maybe that I have to get used to the "normal" moods that everyone has, prozac does tend to render you a bit "emotionless".

4.60ml Damn I've been bad at blogging!

Is it really April since I last put anything here? I nearly deleted this blog but changed my mind.
I'm doing really well, I started withdrawing in May again, gone down 0.10ml roughly every 5 weeks, so today, 14th August I am now reduced to 4.60ml, very slow progress but I've been feeling good, I was so scared to start with that I was going to fall flat on my face again but I think slow and steady wins the race!!

4.70ml

4.80ml

4.90mls

5mls (20mg)

Started the switch from 20mg prozac tablet to 5ml liquid prozac. Earlier than we originally planned, I was too impatient to wait!

Useful websites..

...but Peter thinks these may bring me down if I dwell on them too much, I need to think positive and not get too stuck on these sites.

Paxil Progress and Seroxat Mad

Supplements I am taking

Since New Year 08:

1,100mg EPA Vegepa capsules

6000mg Ginkgo


Exercise regime:

7 mile bike ride or
30 mins on cross trainer or
3 mile run/walk then 20 mins on cross trainer
regular walks
as many times a week as I can fit in

Discussion of withdrawal plan with Peter

On one of our walks together we discussed how I would go about the next attempt at withdrawal. So, the plan is from 1st June (ish) I will switch to liquid prozac, after two months 1st August I will make the first tiny reduction, plan to withdraw by no more than 5% between August and Christmas, this seems incredibly tiny but I feel this is how I have to do it now, partly because of the severe reactions I had before and partly to reassure myself that I can do it. Peter is a great mentor, he quite rightly as well pointed out that all my perusing support groups wasn't doing me any favours because I'm just reading negative stuff all the time, I've got to think positive about it and just get on with my life, not dwell on other people's severe withdrawal problems which bring me down, I have to think of people out there who have suceeded and moved on.
The reason for waiting for Aug is our house is in so much upheaval and rennovation and we feel that by then the house will be more comfortable and we'll be on holiday and chilled out so to speak.

A probably badly written history of my experiences

A few years ago after I had James, I had a severe post natal depression, at the time I was in a very black and frightening place, but I knew it was THAT bad I had to do something about it. When I went to the doctor he assessed me and prescribed antidepressant medication, Lustral, at the time I was very scared about taking it and scared of how I was feeling, scared of getting addicted to something, doctor reassured me that the new SSRI medications are very safe and totally not addictive and at the same time I knew I had to do something constructive because I had two young children to look after and a husband working his socks off who couldn't take time off.
Anyway, long story short, I took the Lustral, and two weeks later almost overnight, I was well again, the sun shone, I felt like a massive weight or black cloud had lifted off me and I was able to function like a “normal” human being again. I assume it was the Lustral but it may have been the placebo effect of “doing something” about it with a pill.
The theory goes, that you take Lustral, or prozac or whatever your physchiatric drug of choice is, for about a year to 18 months from the time you feel well again then you come off it. Anyways, after being well for a long while I went to the doctors to come off the Lustral, which he agreed, the way I was told to come off was take a tablet alternate days for a fortnight, then every third day for a fortnight or so, then once or twice a week until your off. I did this as instructed, felt very dizzy, my head was full of cotton wool and so spaced out but persevered, then a short while after I’d come off the drug “bang” I’d be hit by massive depression/anxiety, go back to the doctors, we’d come to the conclusion I’d relapsed and back on the Lustral to feel well again. This happened several times over the course of the last few years and I always got well again on the Lustral. Fast forward to January last year, a book jumped out at me in Waterstones called “Coming off Antidepressant Medication”, bought it, and it was a shocking revelation. It explained that the way to come off antidepressant medication was to “taper” it, and NOT the alternate day method, and it explained about “withdrawals”, which I’d had no idea about, and I’m certain my doctor knew nothing about either, in fact I gave him the book to read, withdrawals come in two types, the physical (bear with me please!) which is the head shocks, spaced out dizziness and/or flu like symptoms, and physchiatric withdrawals which can be depression, anxiety, violence, suicidality and loads of other things. The dirty little secret is that the phsychiatric withdrawals mimic or are worse than the original disorder for which you are put on the medication for, and which leads people into a catch 22 situation, you come off, probably too fast and by the alternate day method, get the withdrawals, think you’ve “relapsed” and are a mental defective and go back on the tablets and feel well again.The other dirty little secret is that any alteration in dose up or down can lead to serious problems, and in the US they have a lot of SSRI induced violence and suicide because they dish them out far more than in this country, and in this country they dish them out like smarties because mental health services are woefully underfunded. This lead me onto loads of interesting research and what I don’t know about SSRI’s (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors - prozac family) you could write on the back of a stamp. Anyway, I decided to try and taper Lustral but it’s only available in 50mg and you can only cut it once in half to get 25mg before it crumbles, so I tried it anyway but failed, so then I went back to doctor and switched to prozac because it has a long half life (half life is the length of time an SSRI takes to wash out of the body, SSRI’s with a short half life like Lustral and Seroxat are harder to withdraw from because they wash out fast and you get hit by withdrawals fast, whereas prozac takes days to wash out and the theory is that it’s easier to withdraw from), also, prozac is available in the UK in liquid form so you can taper it slower with a syringe. Anyway, Jan 08 I switched to prozac liquid and armed with my syringe I decided to withdraw at the rate of 5% a week, of course I now know this was WAY too fast, I was getting the usual dizzzyness and spaced out feeling but I could cope with that, but after three weeks in and a 10% down I was hit by a massive massive wall of depression, I could feel it washing over me, I woke up in the mornings feeling like death warmed up not wanting to face the day, couldn’t eat (HAVE to be ill for ME not to eat and weight literally dropped off me) I thought about toughing it out but after three days I know Peter was really worried and I knew if I carried on I’d be jumping off the orwell bridge or doing something equally silly, I felt that ill and it was going to start impacting on everyone around me, I felt like a heroin addict going cold turkey. Luckily this fell in half term week when I was off work and in fact the day of a colleagues leaving do I was in the thick of it. The fact that when you start taking the tablets again you feel well again indicates a withdrawal/addiction problem but medical people won’t ever call it addiction, they call it “antidepressant discontinuation syndrome”. Anyway, I now know that there is a huge spectrum of experiences with SSRI’s from people who take it successfully and come off with no problems to the other end of the spectrum to people like me and worse, and I’ve been advised to take it much slower, reduce by 1/20th or 5% a month or so, make a tiny reduction, stabilize for a few weeks, feel well, before you make the next tiny drop, it’s like landing an aircraft in a hurricane!! One of Peters clients is a pharmacist which has been really handy and Peter has picked his brain. I’ve found a couple of really good support groups on the net, when you try and fail you can also get VERY phobic which can hold you in the catch 22 as well, it’s a complete head fuck, also, what happened to me in Feb half term week shook me up badly and has taken me some time getting over, I’ve felt like I want to die but of course I would never do it.
Oh the other thing is, for the past couple of years I keep getting this recurring dream, sometimes very frequently, it’s always about packing up moving house or packing up at the end of a holiday, and for a long time this has puzzled me, and recently I heard a programme on the radio about recurring dreams and their meanings and the fact that it’s your subconscious or a higher power of spirit trying to guide you or tell you something and you have to think about the emotions in the dream to get the meaning, and the penny dropped, it was about coming off the medication.

Prozac reduction timeline

History of my relationship with SSRI's

Back in 1998 after I had my second son I fell into a severe post natal depression, I was put on 50mg Lustral, I remember taking that first tablet and how it wiped me out totally so I couldn't stay awake, I went back to the surgery and they suggested taking half a tablet for four days then onto the whole ones, there began my relationship with Lustral. I didn't hold out much hope of anything lifting me out of my depression, but lo and behold, about two weeks later I woke one morning and everything was fantastic, the sun shone and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me, I felt "well" and normal again, it was a miracle.
Three months on, I decided as I felt well I didn't need to take the tablets anymore, so I just stopped, knowing nothing about them, a few weeks down the road I was feeling suddenly crap again and so it was back on the tablets again, and so it went on.
I was then about a year on, then I would try and come off with the advice of my doctor to withdraw by taking them alternate days for a fortnight, then every third day for a fortnight and fade them out, doing this would make my head so dizzy but I assumed this was correct, and without fail a few months down the road I would relapse and back on the Lustral again, and so I was on the Lustral merry go round.
2003 was the worst year, I'd come off Lustral at the end of 2002, and throughout the year 2003 I was struggling with my mental health (not knowing it was withdrawal), I tried every damned thing through that year, meditation, a healer, counselling, exercise you name it I tried it, the healer told me my depression was imploded anger, anyone who knows me knows I am the least angry and most laid back person you could meet!! By the time we got to December 2003 I was seriously falling apart at the seams, I couldn't sleep for nights at a time, I turned into a zombie, adrenaline was pumping through me 24/7, I couldn't eat and I couldn't function, Peter was having an equally terrible time at work and couldn't take time off to help me (which he now bitterly regrets), I finally had to admit defeat, I was mentally defective therefore I had to start taking the Lustral again.

January 2007 a book jumped out at me in Waterstones called "Withdrawing from Anti Depressants" by Joseph Glenmullen, which advocated the correct way to withdraw was by "tapering", and that what I was experiencing when coming off the Lustral incorrectly was not necessarily a depressive relapse, but withdrawals, which can mimic the original physchological problems, this was a revelation to me and made a lot of sense.

Start of my journey

I am intending this to be a record of my journey in withdrawal from prozac, ups and downs, highs and lows, I'll put a full background of my story in tomorrow.